9 Missing Airliner Conspiracies

Missing AirplaneAs always when goverments are unable or unwilling to offer explanations to hard-hitting events, they pour fuel onto the fire of conspiracy theories. The missing Malaysian Airliner, trending online as flight #MH370 and breaking all records in SEO string valuation, is already the subject of numerous conspiracy theories none of which pay any regard to the thousand or so close family members who want to know what’s happened to their loved ones.

We’ll try to list here the conspiracies as we discover them. If any of them prove to be anywhere near accurate in any part we will add links. As the theories are still developing we just describe them for now. Bearing in mind that they are all bunk.

  1. Pirate Pilot The ‘official’ theory being touted as of ten days after the disappearance, is to blame the pilot. He, after all, was supposed to be in charge. This is similar to a couple of fatal railway accidents last year, in Canada and Spain, in which the train drivers were immediately – and unfairly – blamed by both their employers and the media. The pilot, Capt. Zaharie Ahmad Shah, is being alleged to have stolen the aircraft for reasons unknown. It has been said his wife walked out on him the day before the flight, he has been critized for allowing female passengers in the cockpit (a fairly common occurance and generally at the captain’s discretion when in international airspace), and, possibly worst of all, it was said that he once smoked during a flight. Shock! Horror! Astute readers will have noticed that there’s one missing: We expect reports of his alleged homophobia to surface soon. All in all a concerted attempt to discredit the man appears to be in progress in the media, complete with a well-publicized Steven Hatfill-style house search. However, suicide is not the only motive being ascribed to the pilot – in one conspiracy he is said to have taken the aircraft to protest Malaysia’s anti-sex laws, specifically the recent jailing of a Malaysian politician for ‘practicing’ sodomy.
  2. Diego Garcia (DC) An obvious conspiracy candidate being well within the aircraft’s range and noteable for its absence in any Western-controlled media account. Even the maps of the Indian Ocean flapping about the web-pages of Western Media have had Diego Garcia airburshed out. Some information has implied that military leave to DC was cancelled at the beginning of March, and the airspace around the islands closed to air-traffic the day before 370 went AWOL. A rare DC conspiracy is one in which the aircraft was commandeered by jihadis and suicide-crashed into NATO’s black-prison and torture-chambers on the atoll. What is it that enjoins Americans to turn paradise islands into prisons, soviet-style gulags, or nuclear test sites? More mainstream amongst the DC’ers is a USA-controlled hi-jack, taking the plane and passengers for use in some putative ‘false flag’ in the near future. The eutimes deserves a special mention for it’s alluding to a possible pandemic or even zombie outbreak given it’s alleged “rushing of the world’s top disease experts to Diego Garcia“.
  3. Landed in Pakistan This one takes us into 911-la-la-land. The aircraft is said to have evaded the air defence radars over several warm, lukewarm, and hot war-zones and made a safe landing in the last fucking place anybody would want it to be: In the hands of the Taleban. Without even delving into the impossibility of a secret mile-and-half-long runway being built up the Khyber, or the smuggling of tens of thousands of litres of kerosene to refuel the bastard, one simply has to ask that if they had captured the aircraft for use in an attack, why didn’t they take the opportunity of a surprise attack while they had it in the air? Instead of taking-on all the additional risks and loss of initiative that an illicit landing would entail. Which brings us to…
  4. Shot Down Subsequent to losing communications and route deviation, the aircraft was monitored and believed to be en-route to carry out a terrorist attack. Taking no chances it was shot-down by air-defences. There are numerous hot conflict-zones in the area, and India is just one of the well-armed countries in the region that has been expecting just such an attack for more years now than they’d care to. Uncommunicative commercial airliners heading towards major cities are unlikely to be allowed to remain airborne for long. A splash-down in the ocean keeps things nice and neat.
  5. Alien Abuction Kind of mandatory that aliens would have to be involved. We don’t really follow these theories up, assuming them to lead, as they invariably do, to the illuminati and the Vatican.
  6. Persian Special Delivery In this theory Iranians on false passports overpowered the crew and flew the aircraft to a military airfield in Iran. There it is being retro-fitted with a bomb-bay capable of delivering a non-existant Iranian nuclear weapon for detonation on or over an unspecified city in the Middle East.
  7. Patent Dispute One early theory, quickly forgotten, was that the aircraft was blown up because a group of business people on board possesed the knowledge of some marvellous new invention that would, if manufactured, solve all our problems, answer all our questions, and retail for less than $399.99. In stores soon. Nobody can say what the product was to be, it might have been free energy, snooper-proof communications, but whatever it was somebody, oil companies perhaps, wanted to keep it off the market. Whatever, if it had made the shelves it would have had an “I” or a “Me” in front of it and everybody would have wanted one.
  8. Dancing Israelis A search for MH370 and Israel returns fifty-nine million hits. Despite there being no Isrealis on board. The lack of any Israelis travelling on that flight is undoubtably a cause for suspicion in itself. We expect many thousands of those hits to contain allegations that Israeli passengers were txted a warning not to get on board – and four passengers were no-show remember?
  9. Total Information Awareness Whatever happened the NSA know about it. They are not saying, hence it’s a NWO plot most likely intended to forestall the long-predicted economic collapse. This is taken on faith by many who comprehend neither how large and dangerous a place the world is, nor how scientifically difficult it is to construct and safely fly wide-bodied airliners all over it. Given a religious faith in technology and the miracles of consumer products, a concomitant belief in governments having the powers of gods is unsurprising.

The theories, and others, are being heavily promoted in the mass-media primarily to distract people’s attention from the way Mr Putin has once again pissed all over Mr Hopey-Changey. “Yes we can!“, “No you can’t“.

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