Monthly Archives: April 2015

Agile Self-Certification

It costs $3,000 a pop to gain agile “certification” – more than it used to cost to get a degree – and there is a plethora of agile “certificates” to own.

What do you have to do to get these “certificates”? Nothing. Sweet FA. Just hand over three-thousand bucks, and you’re qualified. No books to read. No exams to sit. Nothing to learn. You might get asked if you can sit through a meeting, but you won’t have to say or do anything. Turning up, more or less on time, and handing over a cheque is all you have to do to become a “qualified” agile engineer.

Here at the we have developed our own agile certification programme that is as equally valid as the certificates you pay the agile “community” for. Better yet, our certificates cost nothing and you have our full permission to put them on your CV and/resume right now.

Whatever you want. Scrum-master, developer, tester, project sub-leader, story-writer, post-it sticking expert, you want it, you’re certified already.

If anybody ever asks – which they won’t since agile is all about cluelessness and bullshit – you can just tell them you’re self-certified. Which will be true, and, as noted above, no less an attempt at defrauding employers than the “real” agile certificates other schmucks had to pay for.

In the Twentieth Century people went to college, got degrees, had careers, and earned money. In this century their children and grand-children have inherited that money and, rather than take on tens of thousands in debt and end up unemployed like so many college students of today, they can simply buy their way into any job they desire with fake certificates sold by charlartans online.