Monthly Archives: June 2016

put some respeck on my name

Recruitment Agent Meltdown

—————————- Original Message —————————-
Subject: RE: Great opportunity
From: jobs@skankworks.net
To: ******@**************
Date: Tue, June 28, 2016 5:58 pm
————————————————————————–

> I just came across your profile on our database

Did you really?

> and I believe you might be able to help me.

You might find it more efficacious if you adjust your belief system, read people’s CVs, look at their names, and try to remember who it was you spoke to about this last week.

For this is, according to my records, the eleventh time you have discovered my profile on your database. In regards to this opening alone.

Starting all those months ago when I first told you that I was not interested, leading week by inexorable week towards last Wednesday’s excruciating telephone calls with you. Calls that took you on average three attempts to dial before you could successfully make a connection, one of which required me to listen to your colleague mumbling his dissatisfaction with his girlfriend’s weight due to your lack of diligence viz-a-viz last-number redial.

The content of our calls that did connect, those involving your client’s urgent business needs as opposed to how fat your colleague’s girlfriend is, you now appear to have forgotten about. Just as you appeared to not understand a word that was being said to you during them.

For the last three months you have tried touting this “opportunity” and had you been more efficient at your duties, or indeed had the slightest comprehension of what they are, you’d know that your unfortunate client’s three-month web-development project was originally planned to ship last week. As indeed it may have had they not come to you for recruitment advice.

Once you have mastered some basic skills, such as remembering people’s names and using a telephone, I’m sure you will make a useful employee somewhere, thus relieving your current superiors, to use the word loosely, of the Herculean task of deleting all those angry and embittered emails they must receive from people complaining about your behaviour.

In the meantime, if in the unlikely event that I thought you, or rather your appalling employers, actually did have any jobs that would be worth my while applying for, with organisations that were not being run by corrupt bumpkin billionaires, where I would not be receiving my orders from arrogant half-witted ill-tempered Prussians, and, in all-important addition, not being screwed for 50% of what I earn by you people who purport to be representing my interests, I’ll call you.

Is this in any way unclear to you?