user experience expert borks her own website

Coach of The Week

Introducing our favourite software development coach of the week, the empty-headed bimbette who goes by the name of Melissa Perri. She’s a pretty girl who exhibits all the qualities of the stereo-typical dumb blonde on a power-trip and evidently knows nothing at all about software development. Or coaching.

Comporting herself as a user-interface authority she declines to exhibit her skills on her own website, opting instead for the ease, convenience, and above all price of an off-the-shelf free wordpress theme. Neither does she bother to fix the broken widget on her page, presumably due to the cost of hiring somebody to do it for her[1].

In spite of her self-evident inability to test the user interface on her own website she tweets an article about how user interfaces can be tested cheaply and quickly by the end users instead of hiring professionals, in which she appears to have gotten herself somewhat confused by the seperate albeit inter-related topics of requirements gathering and software testing.

She then confessed to us that she has never heard of the term V&V and clearly she didn’t feel it necessary to look it up either.

Our first thought was, is she serious? We thought she might be trolling us, or trying to go over our heads – a task much simplified for her by the amount of time we spend out of them. She told us that she was indeed serious and had never, no less, heard of the term V&V before. And worse than that, she told us this in public.

After suggesting that if she doesn’t know what V&V is then she has no business training people on software development, let alone commenting on testing, she blocked us. Here’s a self-professed software development ‘coach’ who will muse about software testing and then insta-block professional software testers who take exception to her ill-informed pronouncements on a topic in which they – not she – are the experts.

But her total lack of IT skills means that her block doesn’t work and we can still view her account. If we wanted to, which we don’t. In maintaining an anti-agile software development blog we are innundated with the mindless smatterings of the cultists already, each and every one of which will eventually resort to the fail-safe “Agile works – you’ve just got to believe in it“, like every other faith-based cult before them.

Beauty & The Beast

fat-boy merleFor example, there’s the Utah-based @AgileMerlando (right), a recent cult convert whose precious job depends on agile, griefing the over our popular article More Agile Crap. Talk about beauty and the beast.

Comporting himself ‘professionally’ online by sporting an XXL t-shirt bearing the name of a famous university that he never attended, the spook sunglasses are a must-have workwear accessory for the more up than coming Booz Allen Hamilton scrummaster.

Fat-Boy Merle couldn’t get in to a decent uni because he apparantly skipped algebra classes to visit the tuck shop and as a result now considers single-digit addition to be an intellectual challenge. A challenge he can meet by buying a t-shirt from a university he only wishes he could have gone to, and buying snake-oil agile ‘certification’ (which BAH most likely paid for) from the Internet.

We’d like to see how he gets on in the belly-button challenge. Which we feel is more on his level and which he is far more likely to find success at than getting himself into a prestigious university. Personally we doubt that porky, who also says he uses agile methods to raise his similarly corpulent spawn (not shown), is agile enough to reach around to touch his back-bone. If he has one. Yes-men aren’t exactly known for having spine after all.

Particularly when it comes to interactions with their myriad superiors or women who are in the eights and nines.

Coaching Lean

Which brings us back to Lean Coaching Melissa about whom we ought to clarify that beyond her attempts to put professionals out of jobs that she knows nothing about, substituting skilled-staff with politically-correct ape-men who can only dream of something better than life in a cave-like crumb-bestrewn cubicle, for alpha males like ourselves dumb blondes like her are a dime-a-dozen and there’s only one kind of ‘user experience‘ we’d ever consider hiring her for, but she’d have to join the back of the line.

Her clients surely have a similar purpose in mind since they obviously aren’t looking for somebody who can actually train their software development teams.

What’s V&V…?

Alas, the only way they are going to get fucked by her is by following the ignorant advice she gives. Which she gives to the likes of Merle – inadequate men who will be hanging on her every word. But she doubtless looks pretty when she flounces around their offices spouting her empowered bullshit at them, reclaiming the nipple, and being a fairweather friend to gays at every opportunity where there might be some cash in it for her.

So at least they get something out of the deal even if she is scamming them and wasting budget that would be better spent hiring professionals. Professionals who do not require coaching from unqualified bimbos who simply have no idea of the chaos, conflict, and failed projects they leave in their expensively-perfumed wake.

[1]2.Okt.2015 We gather she has now ‘fixed’ her widget by the expident and all too predictable method of blocking it. We’re keeping the screenshot for posterity and making a note that had we not chastised this ‘consultant’ she likely wouldn’t have bothered fixing it. Our methods of coaching lean, if you’ll pardon the pun, towards the tried and trusted slacker-sacking methods of the past.