An Idiot’s Guide to Ukraine

In this guide we attempt to mansplain the situation in Ukraine to those who just don’t get it yet.

2013 – Communist Control

Ukrainian people want to be a part of Europe but they had a corrupt government who wouldn’t let them.

With support from the West the people courageously took to the streets in 2013 to protest. It was like a party atmosphere with tents, bands playing, bouncy castles for the children, and people handed each other cookies and cups of tea in a heart-rending show of solidarity.

Then the communist dictator, a tobacco billionaire who sold cigarettes, ordered police to shoot the peaceful protestors with machine guns.

The people of Ukraine are brave. They protected the children and babies from the bullets and clouds of tobacco smoke with their own bodies. They pleaded with the heavily armed troops, offered them cookies, everything. But to no avail.

This was the spirit of the people who once fought against the Soviet invasion that started World War II, and, according to secret new evidence unearthed by senior members of the Polish government, it was Ukrainians who liberated the concentration camps.

So in early 2014 the Ukrainian people dramatically rose up, defied the bullets, and in their courage fought off the communist police and drove out the dictator who fled to, where else, Vladimir Putin’s Russia.

It was he who had instigated the failed coup.

Russian language was banned throughout Ukraine and statues of Russians were taken down and sent to prison.

2014 – Hope and Change

A new democratic government was voted in and everybody’s salary started to go up and there were more and more well-paid jobs available. More and more people were giving up smoking. Ukraine was about to reach the pinnacle of economic acheivment by being invited to join the EU and NATO, having met their tough entry requirements in record time.

Other countries were jealous. Especially Vladimir Putin’s Russia. Putin then ordered the mass invasion of Ukraine in Spring 2014, taking NATO by surprise as thousands of Russian tanks poured across the porous borders, which hadn’t yet had proper EU security fences installed and were still vulnerable.

Scheming Putin took advantage of this fence-gap, enslaved Crimea, cut their electric off, and drove the population of Ukraine’s Eastern Donbass region into Turkish refugee camps.

Defenceless, Ukraine was unable to resist Vladimir Putin’s Russia and repeatedly offered unconditional surrender to the Kremlin. But their pleas fell on deaf ears.

As Putin’s troops approached Kiew, NATO intervened and warned Vladimir Putin’s Russia off. Putin then flew into a rage and started dropping barrel bombs all over Syria because the terrorist army he had formed to protect Assad was being defeated by the Free Syrian Army and other moderates.

To get revenge, Putin then shot down an airliner full of NATO civilians. He was soon found out, by a genuis YouTuber who invented a new system for counting flies on corpses which pointed straight back to the Kremlin and Vladimir Putin’s Russia.

Vladimir Putin’s Missile

The EU was then forced, by a tirelessly peace-seeking Obama, to impose tough sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s Russia, costing a million Europeans their jobs. But they didn’t complain. Unemployed Europeans are united in their resolve to force Vladimir Putin’s Russia to modernise its economy and forge closer links with China, the world’s largest economy.

Turkey, concerned, then offered the EU that if they took all the Ukrainian refugees President Erdogan would shoot down one of Vladimir Putin’s Russian jets and sell the EU virtually unlimited quantities of cut-price black-market oil.

Merkel readily agreed, but this annoyed Obama because it caused the collapse of shale oil in the USA, his one and only policy success. Then the Saudi King, who used to be a Zionist, went mad and decided to bancrupt his own country and destroy his military.

Worse was to come. When the refugees from Donbass were being resettled from Turkey to Greece, the radical-left socialist government in Athens – who refuse to pay their bills – forgot to check the refugees’ indestructible passports thus allowing a million of Vladimir Putin’s terrorists to sneak in and start blowing themselves up in Francophone regions of the EU.

This is where we stand today. Fucked. And all because of Vladimir Putin’s Russia.

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