A DUBKAFile Exclusive
In the event that he is captured alive, the method of execution planned for Julian Assange has been authorized by a US court. During the secret hearing a military defense lawyer assigned to argue Mr Assange’s case argued that under the circumstances execution itself was “appropriate and proportionate”.
The military lawyer, who cannot be named not even to his or her assigned client for legal reasons, did not deny that Mr Assange’s actions were those of a foreign spy and that the appropriate response to spies was always death. In every case. The panel of military judges, who can be named but refused to identify themselves, have already ruled that there is no need to try Mr Assange and that it would be dangerous to national security to do so.
Acknowledging political and diplomatic difficulties with the preferred solution of using a drone, the court has ruled that Assange’s planned electrocution over the Internet is not “cruel and unusual” but “proportionate” and may go ahead as planned. After the ruling a jubilant senior White House official who asked not be named, punched the air in joy and high-fived reporters, passers-by, colleagues, and even himself before announcing, “Now all we gotta do is nail that son of a bitch”.
Under the plan Mr Assange’s passage from this world will not involve nailing him to anything, although he will be strapped down and the execution webcast with end-user participation. In a first-of-its kind innovation the electric chair itself has been specially constructed and will have a direct connection to the Internet.
Surfers will be able to log on to the chair, (believed to be www.fry-assange.gov) and the flow of current through Mr Assange’s body will be controlled by the chair’s own internal web-server, increasing by 1 volt for every user that clicks the ‘Like’ button until Mr Assange is dead.
May God – to whom Assange will have a lot of explaining to do – have mercy on his ass.