Banker Quotes

At the we are Internet engineers and computer scientists that mostly work independently on a contract basis. Our work, while often rewarding, occasionally brings us into contact with some of the most awful people. Those are the ones we like to write about.

Fat CatTake bankers for example. We’ve been exposed to several noteworthy incidents that took place in a well-known merchant bank.

The first occured late in 2007 when rumours of an impending US strike on Iran were doing the rounds. A senior banker was visiting the IT community to “launch” the 150 million-quid project he had just signed-off. His next appearance, if there were ever to be one, would be at product launch whereupon he personally would sieze all of the career-advancing glory for a project that he doesn’t know dick about.

During the prosecco, ludicrously served-up as Champagne, the men – Western IT teams are almost exclusively men – were expressing concern about looming war. Concerned for the potential impact of nuclear war on morale, this ‘leader’ calmed the troops by reminding everybody that while it was true that such a war would cause substantial market volatilty, what we need to remember is that that means there will be more trading and the bank charges commission on every trade. “It will be good for the bank“, he reassuringly said.

So, in the event of an unprovoked US nuclear attack on Iran and all the ensuing consequences, we’d get to keep our jobs for a couple of more years. One wag demonstrated how little he cared for his bullshit job by suggesting that some things are more important than our jobs or even his ten-figure bonus, quipping, “yes, wars stimulate markets, but it is unethical and time-consuming to go out and cause them“. And here’s us calling conspiracy-theorists nuts. However, this banker was no illuminaut. He was a privileged idiot who had inherhited his job at the bank and had been ballsing it up ever since.

War Delayed – Banks Losing Money

By 2009 the war hadn’t come, the 150-million quid IT project had been delayed and was over-budget, matey had washed his hands of it, and the bank’s trading community had lost tens, if not hundreds of billions of other people’s dollars under their own steam. Undettered, matey’s replacement over at HQ emailed our local HR and procurement officers ordering them to send out two letters to every member of the IT team. To save money the letters were to be sent in one envelope. One letter infomed us that we were all fired, the other offered us our old jobs back for 20% less pay.

Next day he, or rather his large-breasted assistant, emails everybody to say that instead of locking the bank’s art collection up in the vault, he has decided to hang it up in the new water-front city office he has just had built for himself. He’d put up a webpage with thumbnails, no less, asking us to vote (by email) which ones he should hang.

There being no self-portraits among them, the vote went overwhelmingly for the surrealist “fat lady bending over and showing her arse”. We wanted that one hung directly facing his desk. One dude, not a member of but we’d welcome him with open arms, along with his immediate resignation emailed a picture of L’Origin Du Monde titled “Self-Portrait”.

The Great Unwashed

On a chaotic trading-floor one sultry August day, around three-hundred traders were on the floor in panic over some number or another. This did not deter a senior financial analyst from calling up the IT guy’s manager complaining that the IT guy “smells of sweat”. A charge that was rapidly withdrawn when said IT guy told the prick, “That’s because I’m working, not sitting around watching YouTube videos you tosser“.

Typical banker mentality that. Somebody is sweating over their work and that is not something they ever expected to be exposed to. On the golf course, perhaps, but not in one’s place of business surely? So they pick up the phone and make a formal complaint to a manager that one of his guys is working. Is it any wonder these jokers lost so much of other people’s money? And are we really that dumb that we’re going to pay it all back for them?

Has it been your misfortune to work as an IT contractor amongst business boneheads? If so, we’d love to hear about it.

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