Israel Wiped Off Map

150,000,000 Feared Dead

A DUBKAFile Exclusive

Israel vanished from the pages of time this morning after a suspected nuclear attack vapourized the plucky little Middle Eastern nation down to bedrock. The missiles, believed to have been of Iranian origin, completely destroyed the landmass formerly known as “The Holy Land” causing a tidal wave that devastated coastal countries on both the Mediterranean and Red Seas. Flooding is being reported as far afield as Iraq, Spain, and Somalia.

Map showing where Israel used to be

Eastern Meditteranean, Yesterday and Today

Tidal Wave

With nothing to retain the waters of the Mediterranean the resultant tidal wave washed Biblically over Jordan inshore as far as Baghdad to the East and Riyadh to the South, overwhelming local flood-prevention schemes and inland waterways. As the waters receded a secondary tsunami raced through the Mediterranean and Red Seas reaching as far as Gibraltar in the West and the already ravaged coastline of Somalia to the South.

Tahrir Square, Cairo

Ships Washed Ashore at Tahrir Square, Cairo

The following countries, principalities, occupied territories, and statelets have sustained massive casualties along their coasts and declared states of emergency: Albania, Algeria, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia, Cyprus, Egypt, Eritrea, France, Gibraltar, Greece, Italy, Kosovo, Lebanon, Libya, Macedonia, Malta, Monaco, Montenegro, Palestine, San Marino, Slovenia, Spain, Syria, Tunisia, Turkey, and Yemen.

Although not at risk, the United States has also declared a state of emergency and has began interring #Occupy protesters as a “national security precaution“.

In New York and London hysterical trading saw share prices defy financial gravity and collapse by as much as 99%, Israeli companies being particularly hard hit in the panic sell-off. Martial Law has been declared in the United Kingdom whose borders remain closed. All telephone links to the UK have also been suspended after the British government’s announcement that it was to “batten down the hatches“.

Washed Away

Worst hit were countries with large coastal cities. In Eygpt Cairo was washed away, offering no more resistance to the deluge than a child’s sandcastle does to the incoming tide. Major cities in Turkey, Lebanon, Greece, and Italy were also totally destroyed with the loss of all inhabitants. Casualty figures are estimated to be “a minimum 150 mil[lion]“, according to the Red Crescent, with tens of millions more made homeless. The entire population of Israel is listed as missing.

Iran's President breaks down while talking to reporters

Iran's President breaks down while talking to reporters

The US Fifth Fleet, which was performing annual exercises in the area has been found washed aground on Cyprus with several crew members said to have sustained, “contusions and abrasions“. President Obama issued a statement on the White House lawn offering emergency assistance to the families of injured US Navy personel. An openly gay US Marine Corp official spoke after the President telling the massed ranks of reporters, “Oo Rah!”.

The Principality of Monaco was badly hit and the Formula One Grand Prix has been cancelled. Crown Prince Sultan bin Al Saud has offered Prince Ranier of Monaco the use of the circuit in Bahrain as an alternative venue. Saudi tanks will remain at their defensive positions around the Bahrain GP track until further notice, the Prince said.

The wrecked nation of Iraq was also badly affected as flood waters burst the banks of the Euphrates and Tigris rivers. Fearing that the flooding has unearthed stocks of banned defoliant 2-4-5 Trioxin left behind by retreating US Forces, Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki has ordered state militias to “be vigilant“.

In New York the United Nations Security Council is sitting in emergency session behind closed doors discussing the continuing relevance of UNSCR 242 in light of the disaster. An announcement that 242 will be suspended is expected later today, although the US Ambassador, Susan Rice, has not ruled out use of the US veto. Speaking to reporters in the street before the session she said, “All options are on the table, but just because Israel doesn’t exist anymore, doesn’t mean it doesn’t have the right to“.

On the Isle of Gaza, off the modified Eygyptian coastline, Palestinians were seen in the streets celebrating and firing guns into the air. In Tehran, a visibly overcome President Ahmadinijad, who has promised repeatedly to nuke Israel the first chance he gets, denied any involvement, claiming the destruction was the result of an Israeli False-Flag operation. “According to Iranian seismogrpahic data the explosions occurred at Dimona and were of Zionist origin“, he said, before issuing his customary denial of the Holocaust.

Cleveland Steamer

Photo of a Cleveland Steamer

Cleveland Steamer from the IDF

Meanwhile in Cleveland, Ohio, a farewell dinner was held by the American-Israel Political Action Committee (AIPAC) aboard an IDF steamer, after the welcome announcement that the organisation is disbanding. Vice-President Biden’s upcoming visit to Tel Aviv has also been cancelled, and the Israel Olympic Team is presumed to have withdrawn from the London Olympics.

People residing or holidaying in Mediterranean countries have been advised that if they are still alive they should avoid coastal areas. Although the threat of further tsunamis is thought to be remote, the millions of bodies expected to wash ashore are likely to be a health hazard for the immediate future and beyond. Due to the impracticalities of identification authorities plan to dispose of the bloated cadavers by incineration over vast open pits in a colossal human-barbecue of hitherto unimaginable proportions.

The United States Ambassador to Israel, who was on holiday in Damascus at the time of the destruction, has proposed handing over Syrian territory to any survivors that may crop up, citing previously undiscovered passages in the Old Testament.

An inter-faith remembrance service will be held in Liberty Park, Lower Manhattan at the weekend.

Originally posted 01/04/2012
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