Jobseeker Tips – Dealing with Rejection

We’ve all seen those robo-mails that automatically and preemptively reject all applications. They generally contain a long-winded and poorly expressed variant of the old “don’t call us” refrain, and invariably contain a whole string of “conditions” written by somebody who seems to think that just by receiving the mail we have agreed to them. Foremost among those conditions are the generalized disclaimers stating that the company is not responsible for anything they do. Nowadays they also add a new twist – they also insist that we have agreed to give up our right to privacy in our job-seeking activities and allow them to re-sell or otherwise profit from our job applications, especially the personal details therein, that they didn’t even bother reading.

Taken Literally

rejection letter So this Sunday, looking at my unopened mail from the week, I find a particularly poor example and decided to take it literally and respond in kind. The original robo-rejection is presented here as a screenshot (left – click to enlarge). The skankworks.net apologizes for the poor formatting of the image, but the recruitment agency’s original email contains some java-script that makes it impossible to view in it’s entirety, even if you stretch it across eight monitors. You will always need to use the horizontal scroll bar, as if the guy who coded it was getting a bonus for them.

 

Response

—–Original Message—–
From: InsideJobber [mailto:insidejobber@skankworks.net]
Sent: 11 August 2013 07:43
To: ‘Michael’
Subject: login issue

Hi Michael,

Thank you for your detailed email. There is a lot of information contained in it, thus I am replying to you at some length at this ungodly hour of a Sunday morning.

Before I can do that, I must communicate that I have encountered a technical issue with the credentials you supplied for my “own homepage“.

please find your personal username and password for your own homepage below. This service is of course, completely free of charge.
Your Username: insidejobber@skankworks.net

This is not working and I cannot login. I have navigated to my homepage, The Skankworks, but I keep getting the same error message:

login denied

I logged in with the administrator account and can confirm that the error message is correct. There is no such user registered on the system, which means the credentials you are giving out are faulty. Where did you get them from? They didn’t come from myself, and nobody else has elevated privileges sufficient to create, modify, or delete user accounts. However, it’s a minor point and we need not concern ourselves with access permissions or let it detract from our nice business discussion. I am sure your IT service desk will be working to the latest ITIL standards and will make access issues a priority one ticket. I have worked with off-shored help desks myself on many occasions and found them to provide unique levels of customer satisfaction if not value for money. I’ve watched a few Bollywood films and I find the smattering of Hindi I have picked up from some of the songs to be effective when dealing with level one support in Hyderbad. For example, the Hindi phrase “chura liya hai tum ne jo dil ko“, performed so ably by Mohammad Rafi & Asha Bhosle in the film Yaadon Ki Baaraat, is an almost direct translation of the English sentence, “my f–king computer isn’t working again and I want you to get off your useless curry-eating dollar-a-day a–e and fix it“. In the meantime I can continue to update my site using my existing credentials so this is not a blocking issue for me.

The main purpose of my mail is to say is how delighted I am that your company has taken the wise decision to host my content and I trust this is but the start of a long and mutually beneficial working relationship. I sell web-content in order to make a living, as you know from my resume. I only give out free samples through my own domains, however, and every other commercial webmaster requires my permission to host my copyrighted content, which is only granted on payment of the usual publication fees. May I assume therefore that by updating your company’s website with the content I have already sent to you that you have agreed to my publication fee of €1 per word? I look forward to us working together in the exciting and growing field of new-media and profiting from other people’s private and personally identifying data, and I am further delighted that you liked my content so much that you would be gracious enough to extend the following offer to purchase additional content:

As a registered user, you are able to provide us with additional information about yourself, through the website, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I accept in principle however I do not wish to work such long hours. I would at a minimum require time off for toilet breaks, unless you provide me with a secretary capable of taking dictation at your own expense. As I am to be paid by the word though, I think the actual number of hours spent writing them is somewhat irrelevant. Could you please appraise me of your publications deadlines, payment schedule, and whether or not you have any minimum requirements for the amount of content to submit? Are adult phrases allowed, or will children be browsing? Some of my articles are not suitable for under eighteens, and indeed some could be argued to be unsuitable for many over eighteen as well. Nevertheless I have thousands of suitable articles fully edited, marked up, and ready to go. I can begin uploading them to your site as soon as you like. All I need from you is your word, and we’re in business.

Prior to the commencement of our agreement, I am not going to keep the profile up to date and accept no responsibility for the content it may contain from whichever source it derives, neither am I giving you permission to use the information I have sent you for any other purpose than to assess my suitability as a candidate for the alleged “jobs” – and I use the word loosely – that you may from time to time be able to offer including but not limited to that of “web content provider”. You will therefore confirm your agreement with the terms above, or remove the offending profile within seven days. To protect the environment from un-necessary emails that may one day have to be printed out and submitted as evidence to a court of law in a case of commercial copyright infringement, you may communicate your agreement silently by keeping the profile active for more than seven days.

Should I be able to login in to “my” profile on your website on or after August 18th 2013 our agreement will take immediate effect and I shall begin uploading content at the agreed €1 per word price. All words I supply will be packaged as part of original compositions and subjected to pre-publication editorial oversight but I cannot guarantee they will all be correctly spelled. Every effort will be made, however, to ensure grammatical correctness and to string them together in coherent ways fit for the purpose of communication. The words will be seen by your readers to make sense both alone and in strings, phrases, and entire sentences. At a higher level sentences will be grouped into paragraphs. As an added benefit of accepting my content on your website you will also discover additional ideas, innuendo, and implications expressed non-verbally in the white-space between the lines, at no extra charge.

Would you be requiring pictures as well?

I will need you to supply me with a copy of your passport

I was not aware that the job you were offering would involve travel. I do not have a passport as I have no wish to travel anywhere. I went abroad once when I was younger and the place was full of foreigners. Some of them couldn’t – or more likely wouldn’t – speak English. The food was smelly and the sun was far too hot during the day. I think people who go abroad are letting the country down. There is a recession on and if they have money to spend they should spend it in England. If they like foreign countries so much why don’t they go live there?

Incidentally, I understand that in your business you are not required to be IT professionals and possibly you are not aware that by creating an online profile in my name, without my permission, and distributing clear-text passwords by email to people who you have on your own admission not yet identified introduces a risk to my own security. I am glad therefore to accept your implied offer to compensate me in full should I suffer any losses, financial or otherwise, from your unauthorised disclosure, distribution and/or publication of my intellectual property.

Kind rgds,
InsideJobber

PS: Don’t forget to forward me the ticket number for the login issue. I will chase it up myself as I can’t wait to get started on our project.

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