Manhunts, Mutiny, and the US Marines

strange inner-wprld of bidercorp

The Strange Inner-World of Bidercorp

In this article we dramatize a ‘day in the life’ of doxed Ashley Madison CEO Noel Biderman. Drawing on leaked material from various sources, we take our inspiration from Julian Assange. Therefore we have redacted parts that contain personally identifying information. With the exception of two historical email addresses that are no longer in service, one of which remains, and is likely to remain, anonymous.

Some of the unexpected items leaked in Biderman’s mails include names and contact details of yet more police officers including an FBI agent who was simply making a courtesy call to inform that the suspect they were seeking had been apprehended. This is in addition to the hundred or so cops already doxed in the user database. These new cops had contacted the firm in connection with their routine inquiries into abusive users including stalkers, harrassers, groomers, and trolls.

After dealing with requests from the authorities, there’s mention of special brown paper-bag prepays involving six-figure cash sums to quietly bung under the table. Then there’s Depositions to file, and myriad attempts to censor and ban web-sites critical of the firm to be getting on with. The auditor’s report advises them that it is probably okay to use fake-profiles to induce sales since nobody else has been sued for it, yet.

There’s regular revenue-impacting IT issues with the chat-bot server for him to oversee. There’s voice mails to listen to, family members and friends to chat with online, passwords to share, and so many members of the management scrum who lack leadership.

Management Mutiny

Constantly at each others throats, a mutiny occurs in the management team. Ironically involving a fake account. A fake account this one, that the mutinous dogs promptly use to CC a ranting email to their Captain and his Chiefs of Staff. The rant demanded that a most-hated managerial colleague – who has the full confidence of his employers – be fired.

ashley madisons mutinous dogs

After having had their say, with its sinister Palahniukean subject-line, they quickly shut the email account down lest they be doxed, and that was more or less that as far as the mutiny was concerned. It took one email to placate them, if not scare them off.

Having dealt – or rather having the firm’s counsel deal – with the mutiny by nipping it in the bud with a concilatory “please dox yourselves to me” reply-to, he takes a satisfying lunch at a local hotel.

The US Marine Corp Veteran and the Three Psychiartrists

After lunch a group of psychiatrists give him a courtesy call.

The psychiartrists, emailing from the USA, are legally obliged to inform him that a psychopathic veteran of the US Marines, perhaps the same veteran once fired after being doxed for adultery by you-know-who, was to be released from their asylum and that there was a “credible threat” against the businessman’s life.

threat against noel bidermans life

Are they shitting him? More email exchanges with the firm’s industrious counsel and a 2nd Lt of the USMC Military Police – posting from the impressive domain no less – established they most certainly are not. The military police, all three of the doctors, and the crazed veteran are deadly serious.

So that means more email, more meetings, culminating in the apparantly satisfactory solution of hiring ex-military private security contractors to go have a word with the threat, neutralisation for the purpose of. Blunt, but effective.

URGENT: Ashley Madison ‘Hacked’ From Brazil

The IT team call. There’s “unusual activity” coming from IP addresses all over Brazil. With fake-accounts uppermost in their minds, they conclude that some kind of spam-bot is operating in the Brazilian domain creating hundreds of fake Ashley Madison profiles.

An area the IT team are experts in.

Noel thinks it’s hackers and wants them doxed. After nine hours of investigation the IT team have identified the culprit, and they dox him. It was Noel himself. He went on TV in Brazil that morning to promote the site, then orders his IT team to investigate why Brazilians have suddenly started creating and browsing profiles. “It was because you went on TV and asked them to, Chief“.

A quick face-palm, and then there’s the spammers, scammers, con-men and con-women, disgruntled ex-employees naively hired from linkedin, and the whole gamut of outraged customers who daily target the CEO’s inbox with what can only be regarded as abuse. Extreme abuse in some cases requiring counsel to seek restraining orders, the others targetting lead-generation, domain-name sales and disputes, traffic-sharing deals, PR, insurance, and menacing demands for money.

White Coke

noel biderman white cokeNevertheless this is all in a day’s work for a virile tech CEO, who also made time in his busy schedule to co-author movie ideas aboute white coke, sing songs to himself into his voicemail:

It was on the Good Ship Ashley
We acted very rashly
Our figure-head
Had a whore in bed
And he walked the plank so bashly

And even watch the odd NSFW YouTube video:

Then instruct his over-worked counsel to have it taken down, and fail.

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