News in Brief

Regime Change
China’s turn. Colour is out, umbrellas are in, as Western NGOs continue to sow havoc anywhere and everywhere. The question on everybody’s lips is, when will it be Western Europe’s turn? Seasoned conspirasists should note the “umbrella protest” connection with the assasination of JFK.

Police State
Anti-leak sympathy garnered by revelations in “must see” porno-selfies “lost” by millionaire bimbettes too dumb to realise that anybody can find out what their mother’s maiden name is. Finding out their father’s name is likely to present more of a challenge. Slut actresses demand google, who have nothing to do with the leaks, “remove all pictures from Internet” or pay $zillions in compensation. Draconian new laws persecuting whistle-blowers expected in response.

Technology
Apple respond to allegations of negligence with words to the effect, “We were not hacked. Only our users’ accounts were”, as if to confirm that Apple, once it’s got their money, doesn’t give a shit about its users.

Politics
White House ‘over-run’ by incompetent elevator-riding lone gunmen, in latest attempt to put the willies up the American public. Intelligence agency in-fighting suspected, as national security budget runs amok.

Existential Threats
Flesh-disolving virus Ebola, for which Obama recently dispatched troops to fight, has invaded America’s porous borders, with the apparant ease of a Mexican. Russia is bombing schools in Ukraine, with the war set to embark on a modified Phase Two (which will likely be focussed on Novorossia again, as opposed to the original plan of moving on Crimea). Gulf War 3, going like a dream. Thousands of bombs dropped, all kinds of spectacular explosions on the TV news, as America leads a coalition of the most repressive and violent regimes on the planet in a crusade against dead-body-eating psychopaths that they created. Residents flee Fallujah. The enemy du jour, for its part, is cooperating with the timely release of video nasties in which they openly commit the kind of war crimes not seen since the Nazis, as if they would be stupid enough to think that is going to in any way enhance their cause.

Crime
Students in California are now required to give permission slips prior to sex. Like a last will and testament, female students have to state that they are of sound mind and body and willing to engage in a list of defined sexual acts with …… ……. between the hours of …… and …… on ../../…. at …………. using ………, ……., …….., and maybe a ……… or a …….. witnessed by (list names here), to be video recorded and leaked on the Internet no later than ../../….

Big Brother
UK Prime Minister promises to outlaw Human Rights – especially for Afghans – if re-elected, as substantial party members and donors defect to far-right loons UKIP.

Economy
Jobs market “stable” experts reassure, as 50,000 ‘lost’ Western jobs turn up safe and well in India and China. “Looking at the bigger picture”, the NATO Job Ministers jointly-announced “50,000 jobs have not been lost, they’ve simply been redistributed. Overall, the jobs picture remains stable. We’ve reached the break-even point”.

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