Saudi Arabia Bans Chess

It is being reported that the game of chess has been banned in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. The game, in which two players pose as Kings and try to murder each other’s wives without causing any harm to each other, was judged by the demented octogenarian King Salman to “encourage salacious and lewd behaviour”. This, the King proclaimed, causes chess players to lose focus on the more deeper aspects of doing bloody murder to one’s colleague’s friends, relatives and co-workers.

Punishment for those caught breaking the new law ranges from having two pawns removed from the board, to the removal of a knight, bishop, or even both rooks, which King Salman also insisted be referred to as “Castles”. Repeat offenders are to be beheaded after the second offence. One lucky player who was involved in a game that started before the law came into effect and continued into illegality was personally pardoned by King Salman after it was learned that he had made a Queen sacrifice.

At the, thanks to a leaked screenshot we’ve acquired, we can exclusively reveal the real reason why the King has banned the game: He lost.

The screenshot shows the King checkmated on the chess board, just as Salman and the rest of his loathsome kith and kin are soon to be checkmated on the grander geo-political board as the oil revenues run dry.

salmans game

UPDATE: Two Saudi men arrested after exchanging chess moves on Twitter. The tweets, apparantly reading “e4”, “e5”, and “Nf3” have since been deleted but are thought to indicate, according to unnamed Saudi officials, the Ruy Lopez using some form of illegal (in Saudi Arabia) encryption or cipher.

The men face a 1’000 lashes with a tungsten whip. Each. Every Friday.

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